"Believies"

Crisis: A time when a difficult or important decision must be made.

  I am in the throes of a faith crisis. It has been a long time coming. I just keep putting it off. Do I 

have it in me to speak honestly and vulnerably about this issue? I fear the backlash. I know that 

religion is one of those topics you just are not supposed to talk about. I wonder if the fear I feel is 

because of the religion i studied. Fuck fear.

I was not raised in any particular religion. For that I am grateful. We went to church for weddings, 

funerals, and baptisms. I talked to god as a child. That consisted mostly of asking god to keep 

my family, my pets, and the earth safe from harm.  In college I got "saved" Let the fundy Christian 

life commence. I married a Christian man. My honeymoon was spent at an Oral Roberts s

seminar,complete with Benny Hinn and the worlds largest praying hands statue. I studied my 

bible. I went to a Christian church. Several of them actually. Throughout my churchgoing years I 

attended a baptist church, assembly of god church, catholic church, church of god, several non-

denominational churches, and some churches that did not have names yet. I have even been to 

temple on several occasions. I was a youth pastor for awhile.I was on the worship team. I met 

monthly with an interfaith women's group. I took my turn in the nursery. I scrubbed stains out of 

the carpet in the meeting room. I layed hands on people, and spoke in tongues. I was there for 

Sunday morning service and Sunday afternoon service. I went on Wednesday for the midweek 

service, Friday for youth group, and Saturday for worship team practice. 

I no longer go to church and have not attended for several years. What drove me from church?  

The shortest answer is going to church is what drove me from church. The list is really long in my 

mind. I will try to make it concise for your reading pleasure.

  Now for the long answer. I am a what you see is what you get kind of person. That is not really 

encouraged in most churches, especially if one is in a leadership position. HIDE IT! Hide 

whatever thing you are guilty of, because if the higher ups get wind of it you will be removed from 

your position of helping people and replaced. I am sure some of you are cringing at the phrase 

helping people, there where some people we actually did help. We did feed the hungry on 

occasion.  It is interesting to me the "sins" that get overlooked. I had a parent come to me crying 

after I got my tongue pierced. She was terribly distraught over the ordeal.She was very worried 

about my soul and about me being a co-pastor with my husband leading her children.  This is the

same woman with a gossip problem the size of Texas. The bible has nothing negative to say 

about piercings. The bible is very clear regarding the position of being a judgmental gossip 

monger.  I was spoken to several times regarding my piercing. She was never spoken to 

regarding her gossip problem, or her generally shitty attitude.

  I studied the bible a lot.I am no expert. I do not know everything there is to know about it by any 

means. Nor do I have every bit of it memorized. However, the more I study the bible, the more I 

agree with it and the more I disagree with it. I think I had previously took a lot of things out of 

context, or maybe ignored the context altogether due to being indoctrinated by the church. Why 

can't the church look at the book they call sacred as it is? 

I have a good friend who is a christian. I have a good friend who is a pagan. I am dating a 

Buddhist. I do not know if I have a religious affiliation right now. I know what I want. Idon't know if 

there is a religion that fits that. I think Christ was a nice man. I think Buddha was probably really 

cool. I like some of the Jewish traditions.  I love how pagans mark the year. I do not know if I 

need a religion, but I am not an atheist. I have seen things that make me think there is a god,

 or gods, or godess, or goddesses.  So, I have made the decision that I am done holding on to 

my cute little believies and I will wait for knowledge to present itself.

I contemplated just writing this in my own personal journal. However, I am curious about your 

experiences. What is the path that got you where you are today, religiously/spiritually 

speaking. Surely there is someone out there like me who is undecided.